Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I was at the pool and I thought I would try and get away with a sneaky wee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have noticed because he blew his whistle so frigging loud I nearly fell in,!!

   i rang triple 0 the other day,,The bloke said"what,s the emergency"?I said "there,s two naked women in my loungeroom fighting over me"! He said"Whats wrong with that"? I said ,"THE FAT ONES WINNING!!!!!"

   Was thinking of buy my boyfriend a bunkbed so I could be on top more often

   How do some people manage to get their plastic smiles & fake laughters glued to their faces for so long? #Apologies to plastics & glues

   HIM: What's wrong? HER: Nothing. HIM: Sure? HER: Yes. HIM: Ok. Well, I'll go now. HER: Whatever! HIM: What's wrong? HER: Nothing - statusBroughtToYouByPMS

   Just because I don't like you doesn't mean I want you to stop being in love with me.

   Dear atheist, if God doesn't exist, then explain why Kim Kardashian is famous?

   As if the world didn't have enough Kardashian genetic material already.

   ''Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger, but she havin' ma' baby. Now I ain't sayin' she a ho either, but we ain't married.''

   To predict how someone is going to treat you, look at how they treat the waiters.

   I once stopped a woman's hiccups by pinching her nipple, I had no idea if it would work but guys will think of anything to touch a boob.

   Technically they're not prostitutes if you refuse to pay them.

   I will dance with the devil, but I will always take the lead.

   Letsh Have Shex! - Horny Sean Connery

   Whenever I start to hate my job I think about the camera crew that has to follow the Kardashian's 24/7.

   I'd be concerned with making a concerted effort to not write '2012' on my checks if it wasn't 2013, and the fact that I haven't written an actual check in over 10 years.

   I bet the person who invented lunges was really just some dude adjusting his sack.

   I'm not saying shes fat, I'm just saying if I had to pick five of the fattest people I know, she'd be three of them.

   i hate when I delete and add someones phone number so many times that I memorize it

   I think its about time we put the movie 2012 in the comedy section...