Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   You know it's sad when my phone battery last longer than some peoples relationships.

   I wished I had a Med-Alert bracelet....I've fallen off the fiscal cliff, and I can't reach my Jager-Bomb! ツ

   Events like the death of the Indian gang-rape victim just help remind me why I hate humans so much.

   Don't get me wrong, you are hot as hell, I am just too lazy to stalk right now.

   A woman's place is in the kitchen...bent over the table.

   Earthquakes only happen when Johnny Depp breaks eye contact with Tim Burton.

   Wow a guy on the train just got up and said "Remember rugrats. Remember the 90s" and now we're all standing up clapping and cheering for him

   When I'm bored, nobody texts me, but as soon as I'm busy, BAM... still nobody texts me.

   The splash back from my morning shi t is the only shower I'm taking

   Weird. Just set fire to the gym after they played "Gangnam Style" and when I told the cops the reason they high-fived me and gave a medal.

   A stranger is just a friend you haven't alienated yet.

   Everybody is somebody's weirdo.

   I don't trust people who have carpet in their kitchen.

   I live my life without regrets, except for that one time I said "I do."

   I guess since you can't adopt Russian children anymore, you will just have to wait until they are old enough to be a mail order bride.

   First rule of the fight club should be: "Do not eat beans before the fight"

   My friend said, "Dude, i'm drunk, call me a cab." I handed him a beer and said, "You're a cab." (true story)

   after being ignored for 3 months, I've finally taken the hint!

   At a nerd wedding they don`t say, "I do." They say, "I accept the terms and conditions."

   Just made my plans for New Years Eve at midnight I will be jumping off a 30 foot tall solid gold T-Rex into a swimming pool filled with uncut blow. Naked of course!!!