Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you're gonna tell me a story that invokes the phrase "robbed a sex shop" you have my full attention...

   My wife crashed the car this morning. When the police came she said the guy involved was on his mobile and eating at the time. The police advised her the guy was entitled to do what he wanted in his own conservatory

   I wish nude pics had a self-destruct option when you break-up.

   Up to this year, there's a reality T.V. show about everything except reality.

   Just took some cough syrup. I made that scrunchie face and shook my head just like I was a little kid.

   The reality is men have no idea what women want... and women have no idea what women want

   Guess I can take the mistletoe off my belt buckle now.

   if you use your x-box to workout, you realize your house smells like a$$, don't you??

   last night this guy c ummed in his pants when we were just making out.. Epic fail

   I met a girl last night who had Ed Zachary disease. Her snatch smelled Ed Zachary like her a$$...

   Fact: zoning out is your brain's way of saying “You look bored. Let me take you to a better place.”

   You say “I'm sorry,” I hear “I surrender.”

   I once bought shoes in China that said “made around the corner”

   I smile politely when someone bumps into me while texting on their phone because I respect their right to ignore the world.

   Facebook is the best way to prove that you made the right decision when you broke up with that person you dated in high school.

   If you knew how many trips to the bathroom every phone has taken, you'd never, ever, ever, ever, ever touch somebody else's phone. Ever.

   The absolute best way to get revenge is to sit back and watch while people destroy their own lives just by being themselves.

   i had a dream this guy apologized for everything, and then I woke up and put bird seeds in front of his building

   When I say I'm done with a facebook chat, that doesn't mean you can keep typing for another 20 minutes. It means I'M DONE CHATTING!

   I got batteries for Christmas. They weren't included.