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The Mars Rover sends a signal to Earth from the edge of space and my cell phone cant go under a bridge without dropping a call? Screw you Sprint! 
Nothing makes me want to leave a web page more than a popup window saying, "Are you sure you want to leave this page?"
In a prefect world Taco Bell would deliver...
I wish my personality allowed me to write deep and meaningful statuses sometimes, oh well. Titties!
i'm gonna quit thankgiving cold turkey.
Was in the K-Mart earlier and noticed they have Barack Obama Christmas Ornaments. Seems it's fashionable again to hang black people from a tree.
Sometimes... when I'm bored, I lay on the kitchen floor and pretend to be a crumb (o O)
Did you know that if you watch Twilight backwards... it's still crap.
Dear Victoria's Secret engineers. Bubble wrap panties..... make it happen.
How to you make a dish washer into a snow blower? Give the woman a shovel
Adele: "I set fire to the rain!" Spongebob: "That's nothing... I make campfires underwater."
You know your getting old when you drop something on the floor and instead picking it right back up, you just stare at it for a minute or two...
just because you're on vacation doesn't give you the right to take a picture of every cocktail or check in at every bar. That falls in the category of, "I could care less"
For my birthday I asked jesus for a bike, but realized he didnt work like that. So I stole one and asked for forgivness.
Everything magically appears when your mom looks for it.
Just saw a kid in wal-mart pick up a Justin Beiber CD and pummel it into the floor screaming like a wild man... My faith in our nations youth has been restored.
if i'm not funny, amusing, or entertaining in any way there is no refund
If you see an onion ring…answer it!
Sometimes wishes he was deaf, so all her nagging would look like a funny dance!
the weatherman is predicting some frosted flakes in the morning...he better mean breakfast
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