Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My girlfriend said she has 206 bones in her body. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207. Now 206. Now 207

   WEIRD FACTS: If a cockroach touches a human, it runs to safety and cleans itself.

   Just once I'd like to see a random stranger gut-punch the guy grinning and waving behind the news reporter.

   I made the mistake of getting my girlfriend an ipad mini for christmas. Now ipad gets more facetime than me. :(

   I always keep an emergency $25 gift card in my back pocket for those unexpected gifts that I get from people I wasn't expecting to get a gift from..

   Only 10 days until Facebook is stacked with return to the gym statuses and pictures of salads.

   dating a girl with kids is like starting a video game with another mans saved game

   Finally, the first snowfall of the season. Now I have a valid reason for blowing through the traffic lights.

   Recycle your dog and cat poop! No need to throw it away! Put it to good use and mail it to: Westboro Baptist Church C/O Fred Waldron Phelps Sr. 3791 SW 12th St Topeka KS 66604

   Before he tweeted the Pope had half a million followers, religion in a nutshell.

   ''Awww look my boyfriend left his Facebook open, I'm going to log him off without checking his inbox.'' - Said no woman ever

   Does law enforcement ever look down at their utility belt and think, "I'm not batman, what the fuck am I doing with all this stuff?"

   The Gap always emails me at 4am. Go to bed, Gap. You're too drunk to tell me about free shipping.

   When you DIE, your True friends will cry. While your Best friends will collect 7 Dragon Balls, just to bring your life back...

   Just bought an artificial Christmas tree and the clerk asks me, “Will you be putting this up yourself?” “NO YOU SICK CRAZY NUT!! I'm putting it up in my living room!”

   What did the elephant say to the naked man? I don't know how you manage to breathe through that thing.

   Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.

   Men at 25 play football. Men at 40 play tennis. Men at 60 play golf. Have you noticed that as you get older your balls get smaller?

   Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman, always be Batman.

   I stopped believing for just a few minutes. Now Journey is all pissed at me.