Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   The heart wants what it wants. To pump blood to the rest of your body. Oh and for you to stop blaming it for your stupid actions.

   I love eavesdropping on people's private conversations. Always hoping I hear something that leads to me foiling a terrorist plot.

   Yeah so, the only thing I wrote on your facebook timeline was Happy Birthday!!! I put three exclamation points. What else you want?

   Dear Santa, Please send your credit card numbers. it's only fair since you're getting the credit for the gifts, that you should start paying for them also.

   Always Remember, If CHRISTMAS Isn't Found In Ur Heart, You Won't Find It Under A Tree..

   Headed out and about shopping, maybe the mall and trying out my new Mistletoe belt buckle!!

   For the ladies who have walking naked the whole year, tomorrow is your last day to get some decent clothes.

   Not setting my expectation high this Xmas, since I shall not be kissed under a mistletoe I shall accept to be kissed by a camel-toe.

   Well, time to get dressed and go Christmas shopping. What time does Walgreens close?

   iPhone Users Warning: Texting someone that you want to kiss them under the 'mistletoe' takes on a whole new meaning when auto-corrected to 'cameltoe'. FYI ツ

   My Christmas tree isn't the only thing that's getting lit this time of year.

   last minute stocking stuffer gift idea... knee-pads for the wife!

   It would probably make more Sense if they did our taxes 2 mths before christmas that way we can actually afford christmas.

   I avoid making friends by being honest with people

   1: Turn on vacuum... 2: Fart as loud and long as you can.... 3: Blame smell on junk in vacuum bag.... 4:Twirl invisible handlebar mustache cause you're an evil genius...

   We are going to practice this chest bump celebration until we get it right, Grandma... Quit screwing around at the bottom of the staircase.

   Bucket list #33: Get a mouse dressed as a pirate to sit on your shoulder while you hand out Christmas gifts,, Also he should pretend to steer you holding a potato-chip.

   Heading into Wal-mart on Christmas Eve. If I don't make it out alive, I just want to say it has been great knowing you all.

   My ornaments are starting to droop. Yeah, time to ask Santa for a new bra.

   I told Santa what I wanted for Christmas, now I'm on the naughty list