Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dudes that wear Speedos should have to wear the bikini top too.

   I saved a lot of money this Christmas by switching to single....

   No thanks, Inspirational guy, but I am only on Facebook for the jokes and the meltdowns.

   You could probably torture a woman by duct taping her mouth and making her apply mascara.

   Step 1: Invite guys for big game Step 2: Slowly lower volume Step 3: Sneak in teacups Step 4: Eventually turn off TV Step 5: TEA PARTY!

   I regret I'm one of the billion a$$holes who watched Gangnam Style on Youtube.

   As I was leaving work a coworker said “SEE YOU NEXT YEAR!” and now I'm slashing his tires.

   I had a circular driveway put in my front yard. Now I can't get out.

   I realized I'm too silly for most sex things. My wife was like, "I want you to throw me around in the bedroom" , I was like, "How bout you run around and I trip you!".....I figure its safer for the both of us.

   WTH!!! It's 2 days until Christmas and none of stores have their Valentine's Day stuff displayed.

   I would probably watch Iron Chef more if Tony Stark were one of them.

   Lies, deception, self centeredness, greed, avarice....et al. Then there was the bad side.

   I haven't had a cigarette in 11 months. Did it on my own. My mom is trying to quit but couldn't do it by herself so she went to a hypnotist. She still smokes, but thinks she's a chicken.

   Some people suffered in their youth which helped them succeed later in life. For example, if Bill Gates had gotten l@id in high school, there would have been no Microsoft.

   My buddy asked me, "What are 5 things you would take with you in a zombie apocalypse?" I replied, "That's simple. 5 people slower than me!"

   Sometimes I cry when cutting carrots because I don't want onions to think they're ugly or something.

   Tip for the ladies: If you want a man to leave you alone at a bar, don't tell him you have a boyfriend. They don't care.Tell him you have a pen is.

   After spending most of Sunday wrapping presents I've decided next year everyone gets square present

   The stores have done such a great job with their displays and merchandise..cant wait to see the kids faces tomorrow when they find their easter baskets, shamrocks and valentines under the tree.

   If you think this years elections were nasty think of the ones in thirty years when all of the candidates had a Facebook their entire life.