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why do some people have a uterus AND a mustache? 
Give me four hours with you and you'll know why god made you a woman.
Stan: Cartman did you just say the F word?. Cartman: you mean J ew?
I saved a TON of money this year by remaining single this Holiday Season !
Not cool, midgets shopping at the mall during Christmas. Very confusing.
If you're really happy, someone's probably lying to you about something.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, that's more like it.
9 out of 10 dentists choose....... to ask me if I smoked weed before the appointment.
Making it rain on a stripper was just one in a handful of fiscally irresponsible decisions I've made in 2012. Gotta tighten up in '13.
If you find a female driver who checks her side-view mirrors, marry her.
christmas shopping online is confusing the kids..they see their toys being delivered one at a time. If the UPS guy would dress like Santa..problem solved.
I snuck in my neighbor's house last night and ate up all their Christmas cookies. This secret Santa thing isn't so bad after all.
Two Facebook addicts walk into a bar. One turns to the other and says.... ...nothing
So in America, at 18 you can die at war or be in a porno. But you have to wait another 3 years until you're allowed a beer?
There's a special place in he'll for autocorrect
If you try to use Apple's iOS 6 maps, you might discover a new unchartered continent.
It's only a matter of time before the red, squiggly line disappears from the word Gangnam ...
I need a good cry... I think I'll go weigh myself.
Asking me if you can "jam on my guitar" is like asking me if you can sleep with my girl. If anything, your chances of me okaying you sleeping with my girl are exponentially greater.
In these economic hard times, I always do what it takes to get my money's worth. Like yesterday. I went to the Dental Hygienist and ate a box of Oreos in the waiting room before going in.
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