Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   BREAKING NEWS: Dora the Explorer suffers a heart attack after discovering Google Maps.

   Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?

   If spiders start flying I'm leaving this planet.

   Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.

   Did you ever notice how a woman's “I'll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I'll be home in 5min” are one and the same?

   My name is Fred and I'm a survivor. If you are out there..if anyone is out there. I can provide food/shelter..Anybody please....U are not alone....

   I Just want to point out the NRA's plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.

   Either the world didn't end, or heaven looks a lot like my apartment.

   Violets are blue, roses are red, I wrote this poem for you so give me some head.

   I don't have a drinking problem, if anything I'm too damn good at it.

   At the cinema. ME: Two tickets please! CASHIER: For the Hobbit? ME: How dare you sir, she's my date.

   Mayans=Early Mexicans. A culture who couldn't come up with a cuisine that went beyond using the same 7 ingredients, yet alone calculate the end of time.

   If you stick a pencil far enough up your nose,, you can actually erase your feelings

   I saw a guy in a Prius run out of gas... instead of giving him a ride,, I sent him positive energy & world peace cause that means more to him.

   The only solution to a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. Banning guns is not the solution.

   Just had a moment with a cute girl, we locked eyes and sparks flew. Then she rolled off the hood of my car.

   You know when you're having sex and... well, I guess my question is, what's that like?

   My goal is to one day make it through an entire p orn movie.

   just unfollowed Taylor Swift on Twitter. Expecting a song within the hour

   I'm like a kid in the candy store when I shop for my x-mas presents at the liquor store.