Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   My ex-wife said she was getting fat, had wrinkles and look old… So I said “But your eyesight is perfect”

   I'm not the one to come to with weight problems. This girl's like, 'My legs are so fat.' I say, 'No, they're in proportion to your arms'

   If I was a billionaire, I would fly all over the world in my private jet helping poor people, feeding hungry kids, and b itches.

   I love tequila because I like where I wake up to be a surprise.

   You call it slutty,I call it friendly with a chance of blow jobs.

   Hey! I just met you, and this is crazy, but you had 6 beers and here's your bill, so pay me maybe. - funny bartender

   I'm making a list of all the things I'm throwing away before the new year including people.

   ''Live this friday like it was your last.'' - The Mayans

   You're a woman, obviously you don't understand yourself either.

   Don't think we didn't notice you deleted your status when no one liked it

   I don't know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.

   Got 99 problems but your being so hot can solve sex of them.

   Your attitude was so bad I decided to make it goo by giving you a double standing ovation..... with both my middle fingers

   Yeah the israelis want peace alright...a piece of more land.

   Why has no one invented a drink called "tequila mocking bird"? Oh wait! I just did ;-) Your welcome!

   My new years Resolution to survive the end of the world and be sane.

   I think we are taking the end of the world really well.

   Some people were dropped as a baby, but you were clearly thrown at a wall.

   People are insane psychiatric wards are nice really cool jackets that make you hug yourself and they tell you your special.

   Lots of people out sick today. There's that new virus going around-- Unused Sick Days, apparently it's very contagious.