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Facebook friends are like Congress in that everyone is an expert on subjects and no one is willing to compromise their views. 
Just because I don't refute all of your crazy rants does not mean I agree, it means I have your feed blocked.
A giant spider just attacked the back of my neck and then quickly morphed back into my t-shirt tag!
Day Off+ Get Nothing Done=Successful Day Off
If I don't get enough sleep, I'm tired. If I get too much, I'm tired. And even if I get the right amount, I still need three pots of coffee.
The strongest drug that exists for a human is another human being.
How many Mexicans does it take to build a.........oh shi*, they're done.
A man's phone is like a woman's purse. .. you never go through it.
Dear facebook event invite: I'd love nothing more than to travel 1100 miles to see your half a$$ed band play other people's music in a bar that's filled with 4 people. DECLINE!
The Mayans have predicted that the world will end on December 21st 2012. I keep thinking I should make some kind of preparation for survival. But then I've only just finished the last can of baked beans I bought for the Millennium Bug.
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
Sorry, I can't go. My sister's cousin's nephew's brother's neighbor's step son's hamster died today. It was tragic.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
Mayan Guy: Hey wanna beer? Other Mayan Guy: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.
Have you ever heard of soulmate? Like my soul wants to mate without your soul?
If you believe the predictions of an ancient semi-civilized tribe that the world is ending on 21st Dec, can you do me a favour? Can you raise your right hand and with the same hand b itch-slap yourself into 2013.
Car alarms would be a lot more effective if they sounded like two people fighting. Everyone would turn their had for that
if you post : finally Iphone 5 with a picture of the new phone attached ! I hope it will fall and break.j
Call me a pessimist but I've already eaten the 22nd, 23rd, and 24th in my advent calendar.
I know some folks who could use a 12 step program. Where 11 of those steps should be to the edge of a cliff.
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