Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   All I'm saying is that if you were a real psychic palm reader you would of made me wash my hands first.

   Not making a Mexican joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   How much longer do you guys think Renée Zellweger can hold in that fart ?

   Ladies: Nothing says "B*tch Don't F*ck With Me" more than, tucking your tampon behind your ear like a cigarette.

   Do you know what keeps me up at night? Knowing some of you guys are real.

   - You don't update your stat us much anymore. "I know" - Why? "I don't know" - Is everything alright? "Can't You Just Be Happy for Me!?"

   I go to the Doctor daily,,,,,,,,, Cuz I just couldn't stand having to eat anymore apples

   If making guns illegal will get them off the street why don't we make drugs illegal?!? Oh wait......

   I drank all weekend and now I'm on my beeriod...

   One rogue human being out of seven billion loses it and goes berserk and suddenly all humanity must be condemned?

   Dear Lord, if you can't give me a six pack, at least give this other people a pot-belly...thanks!

   Judging by the disproportionate size of Popeye's forearms, I'm guessing Olive Oyl just supplied the oil.

   Judging by how many people brazenly wander into traffic while staring at their phone, there must be some force-field app I don't know about.

   I've been calling my friend Keith "Qweef" for the past two years and he has no idea

   Redneck word of the day: pistol "I drank so many beers I think I might pistol the sun comes up."

   My proctologist examines me using a bomb disposal robot.

   i just bought condoms, and when the cashier asked me if I needed a bag I jus said "No,... shes not that ugly!".

   here lies an athiest all dressed up and no where to go ....epitaph on tombstone....

   "Lincoln" is doing well in the theatres... Historically this has not been true."

   Pro Gun, Pro Gun Control, Pro Life, Pro Choice, Pro This, Pro That, ....How about Pro Common Sense?