Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you love her, let her go out drinking with her friends.. If she calls you drunk, she is yours.. If she turns off her cell, she never was.

   i'm thinking about sending a fruitcake to some family members for Christmas...u know the old saying "you are what you eat"

   Can they make band aids that are easier and faster to unpack so I don't bleed to death?

   Why am I still up? No wait, better yet, why am I still sober?

   In over 75% of mass shootings in the states the shooters obtained their weapons legally. You can't regulate insanity, but you can regulate guns.

   if someone going to kill, they would purchase a gun no mater what laws were in place..

   how many schools are going to get shot up before we as parents decide to start arming our teachers!

   or should I say when our we our we gonna protect our schools like we protect our banks and government offices

   I go to the all you can eat breakfast bar for $5.00. I go, "What'll 10.00 get me?" They asked me to leave. That's bull$hit right there.

   Depressed from all the bad news? Just imagine Ozzy Osbourne struggling to pour a giant jar of change into a Coinstar.

   My mate asked me,"Do you like Tom Hanks movies?" I said, "Well I'm not a Big fan..."

   just when I think humanity is improving, I turn on the TV yesterday and see the tragic 5 hour energy commercial...

   this the best we can do? We need to put some humor back on everyones faces, C'mon dig down deep people...

   i deserve an alcoholiday

   still waiting for dane cook to makr a joke about tragedy

   Stop complaing about "humor" if you have nothing to contribute.

   Luckily, this pretty, single girl has me for a neighbor. My 24 hour surveillance is keeping all the pervs away…

   Don't you love that moment when you're cutting wrapping paper and the scissors start to glide?

   The best thing a guy can do with a woman who thinks he's stuck on her... is move on to the next one.

   I dont talk to strangers because they might do something awful... like sell me something!