Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you're a man who adds extra letters to words like "Heyyy" or "Thanksss", you should be really ashamed of yourself.

   After 30 years of shopping, my wife still has nothing to wear.

   My brother's boss just died. It's terribly upsetting. It's terribly upsetting that my brother's always had all the luck.

   the only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn't even been born yet...

   I just walked in on my roommate while I was masturbating.

   I am going to buy a sodastream machine. If you piss in it you can make your own Miller Lite,,,

   I love your personality!!! Especially when your not talking is my favorite!!! JW

   I just bought a pack of Condoms and the cashier asked me, "Sir do you need a bag"; I replied, "Na! She ain't that ugly". :)

   All of us at work are suffering from anal glaucoma today.... We can't see our ass getting to work.

   when what to my wondering eyes should appear, but 10 extra pounds on hip, thigh and rear

   This girl was talking and she said I cant stand the camera.. It adds ten extra pounds on me.. And I said well you must have ten cameras on you then. JW

   a great way to get over someone: plan ahead. Make a list of their faults so if you breakup you can console yourself with their many weaknesses.

   there is nothing worse than a woman coming up with a nickname for your junk, getting confused and calling it Dad.

   My ex got run over by a bus today,,,,, I thought, "WOW,That could have been me!"...... But then again , I don't have a bus drivers license.

   You're supposed to wash asparagus before throwing it away,,, right?

   You seem crazy,,,, But let's buy tambourines and see how far we can take this...

   since Norman Joseph Woodlawn is dead, I wonder if they're going to put a bar code on his casket

   Just had s ex even though I had a headache... Did you hear that Ladies? ...had S ex and had a headache... Nobody died...

   Oh wow! Thanks for the newsletter, Hotel Chain! I'm just lonely enough to read this!

   I told everybody at work that I've got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.