Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I would be open to crying a lot more if my tears tasted like tequila.

   Women look at men and see a potential mate. Men look at women and see a potential sex partner. I look at porn and beat off a lot.

   Nice dress,and by dress I mean ass.

   I'm available for drinking purposes only.

   Every time she asks what you're thinking about, tell her buttsex.

   Prisoner hires hitmen to castrate and kill Justin Bieber?!? And all this time I thought Bieber had already been castrated. Don't tell me he sings like that naturally.

   Setting here on the toilet on my iPad playing Draw Something and dropping logs. My morning in a nut shell.

   If you put reindeer antlers on your car I hope Ted Nugent shoots it

   I went to the shrink coz I've been talking to myself. He asked if I had any stress, told him no. He said, "Don't worry about it then...millions of people talk to themselves." I said, "Yeah, but I'm really boring."

   making a list of people to smack in the head with a fruitcake...

   Attention Lobsters & Crabs with one super buff claw,,, Please consider working out with the other one sometimes.. You look pretty dumb OK

   If you have a hunting license,, it's TOTALLY legal to shoot cars with antlers on them.

   With my luck, I'll get into a terrible car accident while wearing my "period underwear."

   Skinny girls look good in tight clothes.. butt curvy girls look good naked

   Don't run with scissors because you might accidentally trip, fall and cut the grand opening ribbon of a new museum 2 weeks ahead of schedule

   Whenever I see a lone female jogging at night I follow her in my car from a noticable distance because there are a lot of weirdos out there.

   Sometimes I'm really smart and other times, I'm here scrounging for stuff to p0st..

   What good is a safe word if your mouth is full?

   Other people's children are my form of birth control.

   I already hate next year.