Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I've come to a life altering decision. I'm giving up the guitar, and gonna to learn to play that thing in the Ricola commercials.

   How many Mexicans does it take to knock out Pacquiao.........JUST JUAN

   I just googled, "Gift ideas for wife" One website suggested a cooking class. They must have thought I meant, "Gift ideas for wife if you want to sleep on the couch forever."

   My girlfriend just walked in and called me g@y. If my nails weren't drying I swear to god…

   Dear Santa, is it too late to be good?

   Thanks to my mom, I put my name on all of my underwear so they're easier to spot when I go through the bar's lost and found box.

   I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, The FedEx guy, and the Walmart greeter... C'MON MOM, KNOCK IT OFF! ツ

   The back of my ears smell like parmesan cheese.

   Sorry, parents of ugly children on Facebook, those Christmas sweaters didn't help; just made them uglier in a festive way.

   Rihanna wants to take time off to have a baby. We all know who's "Hitting" it.....No pun intended

   I find nothing more frightening or upsetting than someone saying to me those "three special words"..."Welcome To Tennessee."

   My mother always said "if you have nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all." I hope she's happy my mime career has taken off.

   The transition from woman to cougar happens when you go from Marlboro Lights to Virginia Slims.

   Can't wait until they make odorless whiskey so I don't have to be embarrassed when I open my Gatorade at AA meetings.

   Football announcers saying "penetration" repeatedly is my 50 Shades of Grey.

   If I wanted to see American Horror Story I would just stalk the Kardashians

   I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

   Dear Santa, I plead the fifth! No wait... I drank it!!

   Manny Pacquiao should audition to play the Dead Body on The First 48..

   A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."