Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Maybe people who wear Ed Hardy shirts just want people to throw boiling water at them.

   In the Olympics of my heart u're the Jamaican who runs fastest, the Kenyan who runs longest. the American who strengthens me with steroids.

   My girlfriend says I shouldn't plan things in advance. Well, she isn't my girlfriend yet.

   A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions

   Drunks, kids and skinny jeans are the only ones who tell the truth.

   Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

   So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I'm on Facebook, I don't have money or a life.

   ''Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.'' - Jesus flirting in a bar

   did anyone wake up manny paquiao I know he got stuff to do today

   Just found out that the "S" in the upcoming iPhone 5S stands for "Sucker! (you just bought the 5.)"

   Just turned a dollar into two. Now arguing with lady at lotto stand as to why I can't have my pic on their "Wall of winners"

   What happens on Santa's lap.......stays on Santa's lap.

   Unfortunately, there was a lot more camel toe than mistletoe at the office Christmas party last night.

   Baby Jesus doesn't care if my gift to you came from the dollar store and neither should you.

   You ever catch a glimpse of yourself at the right angle in the mirror, naked and about to get in the shower and think "Damn, I need a picture of that."?

   Apparently the Colorado and Washington girl scouts are adding a new brand or cookie for sale this year. Apparently its a cheeto's flavored brand called "Baker's delight."

   Last year, I got socks for Christmas. The year before, I got a couple of sacks. And before that, a sax. For pity's sake, Santa, you blind old jerk, it's sex. S-E-X.

   No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don't Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.

   Only a real genius could say these four words fast without getting tongue tied: eye, yam, stew, peed

   ego boost: put a bumper sticker on the car that says "honk if I'm sexy" & then drive very slow