Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   if we get to my place and she's wearing a push up bra and spanx, I'm putting her s hit on the street...

   40 y/o women are like stray cats. A little attention and they'll never leave...

   when someone says you haven't aged a bit, they really mean you looked like s hit back then, too...

   My cat moved out when my first child was born. True story. I guess giving birth is quite traumatic on a pu$$y.

   I think I'd be a good role model for plants!

   John Travolta's closet is full of dild0s, skeletons, and himself.

   My wedding ring gives me superpowers...not to cheat.

   Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?"..

   Going out just means staring at my phone from a different location.

   Woke up again today. When will it stop?

   Jesus doesn't care if my gift to you comes from the dollar store and neither should you.

   I bet Pintrest wrecks more diets than holiday parties

   If being romantic means at least I didn't set you on fire then yes, I'm romantic.

   Excuse me, Santa, but I still haven't received the first "ho" you promised me.

   If you've never lost your significant other, you've failed as a sock.

   If you're looking for an excuse to ruin your life, I'm right here.

   That thin line beween ‘I love you' and bullshi t.

   You're the shampoo in the eyes of my life.

   Be good, kids! There's no bacon in hell.

   Girl you're so ugly that when construction workers see you they get back to work.