Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   To mistake me for stupid, is to mistake you for smart.

   All I want for Christmas is you.... to get run over by a reindeer!!!

   Even before my very first birthday I was able to sense it was Christmastime. No...it wasn't Santa, Rudolph, Frosty, Nativity scenes, or a Christmas Tree. It was 'cause my mom put eggnog in my bottle.

   im gonna be late for work tomorrow!!! if they ask why I'm late.. I'll tell them... last night I realized that my family was a priority. so I woke up them up and we chilled.

   HOW TO CONFUSE A WOMAN: Buy her a pair of shoes made from chocolate!!!

   Santa's reindeer, Donder? Didn't know that, though it was Donner

   This girl on Facebook is dying her hair blonde tonight. Omg she's nervous, you guys.

   So, you're telling me my credit score should have three digits?

   If I made cars I'd put an inflatable shark in place of an airbag in 1 out of every 100 cars just for fun.

   "You'll be hearing from my attorney!" Is usually what I tell random strangers leaving a public restroom.

   An ATM machine that gives you a hug and whispers 'Everything will be ok' into your ear when you check your account balance would be AWESOME!

   Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day... Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV,,, and you can sleep for an extra hour.

   Tampon makers have announced that they will be replacing their tampon string with tinsel. They'll only be available for the Christmas period.

   Given my propensity to only check our mailbox about once a month,,, I'm guessing, my mail man also doubles as the Tetris champion of the universe.

   The less you give a damn, the happier you will be...

   Alcohol is the gasoline on the highway to happiness.

   all I ask for is 100% loyalty, no strings attached.

   Every time someone orders a high-end bourbon with Coke, the bartender should serve them a complimentary shot of regret.

   "I see drunk people." - Me, playing the starring role in The Sixth Heavily-Impaired Sense

   If distilleries donated a dollar for every whiskey shot done under an office desk, we could cure cancer by end of business today.