Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I like how on cop cars, "To protect and serve" is in quotes, like they're being sarcastic.

   December 7th, 1941. Never forget. I'm boycotting sushi.

   My heart has no room for you but the trunk of my car does!

   I shave before I masturbate because I'm worth it.

   If a girl spits on your d ick right before she sucks it, that's the universal sign for "you should probably wear a c0ndom for this one".

   My wife hates it when she blows me a kiss around family and I catch it then pull down my pants and put it on my butthole.

   I'm the Taylor Swift of blaming others for my problems

   I'm ok with you liking cats as long as you're ok with me hating you.

   The restraining order doesn't mean we can't hang. It just says I can't get within 50ft of you. You wanna play catch or frisbee or something?

   To correct the guy from yesterday, unemployment actually once again went down, to 7.7%

   Even though God is my co-pilot..... He also, is on the "no-fly" list.. Thanks Sadly, to His ties to several extremist groups..... You jerks

   Opening a chain of gynecologist offices called "All Up In Yo Business."

   I bet it didn't take Prince Harry long to tell Princess Kate that nausea can be cured by sucking on ginger

   When I go pick up my friends I tell them that 'im here' when I'm 5 minutes away so I'm only waiting 2 minutes in the driveway

   I'm quitting my job as professional fisherman. I can't live on my net income.

   Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away anything, EVER. I smuggle out broken crayons like a mexican drug lord.

   How old do I have to be before I get this "Adult super-vision" everybody insists I need..... It sounds freakin incredible.

   Went marchin' outside, singin' God Bless Merica. Saluted and yelled, "Remember Pearl Harbor. Suck it Japanland. These colors don't run."

   For those of you who think you're all failures, just think. Ash Ketchum from pokemon is 25 and only has a fifth grade education while only ever owning 68 out of 649. Just hang in there

   I don't always cut down a fresh Christmas tree..but when I do, I pick the best one in my neighbors yard ;)