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Yes,,, Yesterday,I let the cat out of the bag,,, But today, There's no way she's getting out of that dishwasher 
What time does facebook close tonight?
I sit when I pee because God dammit there's a seat right there!
To My Ex: It's not that I didn't like sex; I just realized it was a lot more enjoyable by myself than with you.
DIVORCE: From first date to court date; you never see it coming.
Some men look for easy women. Some women look for easy money. I'd just like to find someone who won't stab me in my sleep.
When they came up with the phrase "loose lips sink ships", the captain was getting a blow job.
People hate the truth. Luckily, the truth doesn't care.
Waiting Until after Dec 21st to do my shopping ....why waste my money ?
I,m always a bit down this time of year,The wife said "could it be the alcohol,,,I said "JEESE,,,,,I,M DRINKING AS MUCH AS I CAN ,!!!!
20 minutes later, and I can't remember who I "sanded my wood" to. I have to find better imaginary girlfriends.
Just got a peek at Santa's naughty list! Amazingly, it's almost identical to my friends list. Can't believe some of the things you people have done!
My letter to Santa starts something like this: Dear Santa, My sister did it..
Failed another job interview today. Apparently taking part in an orgy isn't proof that you can effectively work as part of a team.
It is not appropriate to refer to Kwanzaa as "Blanukkah" or "Black Hanukkah". Please make the necessary corrections in your conversations.
Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk.. Unless you're crossing the border.. Then don't do that
5 Reasons I'm so good at procrastinating... 1: Ah, screw it. I'll do it later.
This day is only a margarita away from being a good one.
When I heard they had found a cure for dyslexia it was like music to my arse
Just saw this chick texting and driving, so I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her. I'm keeping the streets safe one beer at a time.
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