Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I DON'T NEED ANYONE OR ANYTHING!!! (Except for Vincenza...the name I've given this meatball sub.)

   My life has been brought to you by.............. "It seemed like a REALLY good idea at the time (Insert: "Officer", "Your Honor", or "Doc" here)."

   My girlfriend asked me "Team Edward? Or Team Jacob?" I yelled "Team Deathmatch!" And knifed her...

   Iran claims they captured a US drone which our government is denying. I think what the Iranians really have is my Turbo 2000 styrofoam glider plane I lost back in '96.......I threw that thing pretty hard.

   If have slept with more than ten people this year then you have no ryt to call your reproductive organ a private part. It is now a Universal Charger !!

   I like the sound of "PSY beats Justin Bieber...in Youtube views" If only he actually physically did it.

   Some days I think Forrest had the right idea when he dropped everything and just kept running.

   People who get offended on the internet are the same people that take mini golf seriously.

   The only reason I know how many beers I drank last night, is because it was all of them.

   Every scary movie, for the rest of our lives, needs a scene explaining why no one has their cell phone.

   For some reason, they dont seem to be marketing the Tickle Me Elmo as heavily this Christmas.

   Beware: Things get pretty messy when you let a Snickers REALLY satisfy you...

   Sign of the time's! Honey come quick, my kids and your kids are beating-up our kids.

   I once asked an old man: Which is more important to love or to be loved? He replied: which is more important to a bird, the left wing or the right wing?

   BREAKING: Rex Ryan officially names Mark Sanchez starting Jets QB...proving the NFL needs to start testing coaches for concussions.

   So Christian Ponder is engaged to Samantha Steele. In typical Christian Ponder style, after the wedding there will be NO RECEPTION

   On the 14th of December I'm going to call people and say "7 Days" then hang up.

   Do you ever feel pressure to play good music when people are in your car?

   You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”

   This Just In: Researches still working to discover how over 75,000 people were miraculosly cured in Colorado last month from glaucoma and nausea..