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I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake. .... 
Hey Guys, I don't have Instagram but I just wanted to let you know that I had oatmeal for breakfast. No sugar, mixed with water.
Today's marks the 5th anniversary of being with my girl and my current job. The difference is my job still suck$.
Barry Bonds is on the baseball hall of fame ballot this year. I hope he doesn't get a big head...
Heard Chris Brown was dating twins, I guess that is what he meant when he said he had some fresh new beats....
You know what will be funny....If an illegal alien was thePowerball winner in Arizona
My new dentist didn't even make me take off my pants, I don't think he's a real dentist.
If she still adores you while you're covered in mud scrabbling to get out of a hole at rock bottom, she's definitely a keeper.
Morals don't come from religion. If you can't decide right from wrong then you lack empathy, not religion.
If you hear sirens and see some naked dude with jeans on his head running down the street, be sure to throw me a beer.
It kills me to see you this way. So I'm closing the trunk
#5, #22, #23, #29, & #6 I know they're just jersey #'s but they really do mean so much more t o me right now!
It's not my fault….you had dimples.
It's funny how even your best friend can suddenly hate you like a sworn enemy when they think you like the same person they like.
Ain't no worse feeling than someone you love thinking and believing you did something you didn't even do.
Just finished writing "Cyber Monday does NOT mean what I thought it meant" 100,000x Can I go home now Sister Rose?
Hey, China. We stuck that Mars landing.
If someone starts a speech, "I'd like to take this opportunity--," I interrupt by shouting, "He's trying to take our opportunity! Grab him!"
I don't care how old I am. If I lose my mother in a super market I'm going to panic.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom's bedroom. I can't believe it.. She's a superhero!
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