Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   So...if yesterday was Black Friday, and today is Broke Saturday, then tomorrow must be Return everything Sunday?

   Who Shot Hector Camacho? You thought I was going to say JR?

   You're either with me or a murder victim.

   How long after walking into someone's house is it acceptable to ask for their wifi password?

   Be smart because you won't be pretty forever.

   Who brings Boxing Gloves to a Gun fight?

   Nothing says 'single and friendless' quite like a album full of pictures of yourself taken by yourself.

   The problem joining Scientology is that you just know they'll give Tom Cruise the best spaceship.

   if you order a hamburger at a mexican restaurant you're a terrorist

   When I need you, I just close my eyes and down some painkillers with a glass of wine - and suddenly I don`t need you anymore.

   Every day is independence day when you are single!

   When opportunity knocks, I usually have the music turned up way to loud to hear it.

   Procrastination is a dish best served some other time.

   The 911 operator told me being dead inside isn't an emergency if I'm still able to talk and breathe and stuff. Whatever.

   Life takes you where you are meant to be. Apparently I am meant to be poor with a ton of education and experience.

   Do you suppose that, perhaps, we should not take apocalypse clues from a race that has failed in its own attempt to survive?

   I'd like to take this opportunity to thank the makers of alcohol for making life worth living.

   It has been so long, even my memory foam mattress forgot the last time I had sex.

   I just want to do my part. Are prostitutes a small business?

   I'm not crying, I just have some emotions stuck in my eye.