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keep scrolling... I got nothing!! 
The thought of you makes me clench my thighs......hard.
Santa put me in charge of the naughty list this year. So if you have been naughty inbox me so we can talk about your punishment and gift.
It's all fun and games making fun of me and my fanny pack until you find out there's an ounce of meth in it.
Who else finds it incredibly hot when your partner stays awake during sex?
The worst thing about admitting you're an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Everyone has a special talent, I like to think mine is ruining people's day.
I'm going to start smoking again until I find someone better to do with my mouth.
Does this hot water bottle and 12 cats in my bed make me look like I've given up on life?
It's not our fault you have a small d ick so don't take it out on us. Really, don't take it out.
Let me raise a glass in your honor so I can smash it against your head.
If you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell haven't had enough vodka. Here is another glass.
I don't need a man. But I want one. That means those of you with no jobs, no cars and no money still stand a chance.
Buy her alcohol, lots of alcohol. Women love it when you buy them alcohol.
I finally found love!! It's on page 364 in the dictionary.
My cat is totally drinking soda out of my glass and I don't even give a shit 'cause I want her to stay up late with me to write rap songs.
Just got banned from eBáy. Apparently a brick and a string can't be sold as a pënís enlárgement solution
I went horseback riding yesterday, it was awesome feeling the wind in my hair...... Till the K-mart manager came out and said I had to leave...jerks!
A woman is never more persuasive than when she's holding a shotgun or a bacon sandwich.
A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.
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