Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   WTF! I was about to drink my vodka but it started screaming so I stopped and asked "what's wrong?", it said "you forgot to post a pic of me on your Facebook wall" and slapped me!

   How much cooler would it have been if Apple made Mini-Me introduce the iPad mini?

   I don't think Lance Armstrong took steroids. He doesn't have the balls to do such a thing.

   Hey idiots who worship celebrities; if they had to shoot you or their dog, they'd also chop you up and watch the dog eat you.

   It's a good thing my bed can't file a restraining order.

   I'd like to know what Obama or Romney propose to do about Youtube buffering.

   Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

   I've been thinking, I should really get some work done today. Well, it's the thought that counts.

   Just got 3 robocalls in a row from the Romney campaign...each different reflecting 2008, 2010 and 2012 Romney.

   Febreeze should make mouthwash

   My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned ... couldn't concentrate.

   Why do brides wear white? So they match the other kitchen appliances.

   Bi?ch I didn't text you to exercise my fingers, I want a damn reply

   B-E-F-O-R-E not b4. We speak English not fuc?ing bingo.

   Girls, it's not pretty being easy.

   Facebook: someone added a photo of you.. Me: fu?k

   When somebody sends me a "k" text, I assume they forgot the rest of "fuc_ you", so I make sure to correct them.

   Here is the list of foreign countries helping the United States with Hurricane relief:

   My husband got fired from his job at the deli for putting his finger in the pickle slicer. To be fair, she got fired, too...

   Why do hospitals need to advertise? It's not like I'm going to go to Home Depot instead.