Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   It's National Stomach Ache Day.

   I'm individually wrapped for freshness, that's why I get dressed in the mornings!!

   I am in great marriage...Says my wife

   BREAKING NEWS: This just in two days after purchasing Lucas Arts, Disney in a deal with Harpo Studios will hire Oprah to play the role of Jar Jar Binks in the new upcoming Star Wars 7 movie...

   Hurricane Sandy has been found in a New Jersey swamp. Two bullets behind the ear. Hands tied behind her back. Thank you, Tony Soprano.

   I miss the 80s when everyone wasn't such an oversensitive online twat!

   1. Does she change BFFs often? 2. Does each friendship end acrimoniously? 3. Is it never her fault? If yes to all, CONGRATS! She's a bitc h.

   California leads the nation in Marijuana production and Bigfoot sightings. Coincidence? I think not.

   My plan is simple. Drink Vodka until I start speaking Russian.

   The gas pedal is my therapist.

   I just watched a grown man chase a rabbit for 5 minutes. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only person in this town that's not a window licker.

   I miss those good old days when you were just another stranger.

   It's not cheating if she's there too.

   Hey, how about making a normal face when you sing?

   I just read Cubans can travel abroad more easily now. I hope they know they can't use buttons and chicken bones for money here.

   Considering she died three years ago I think Barbara Walters is amazing on "The View."

   Someone from China just won the Nobel Peace Prize? That must be some pretty good fried rice.

   I'm sorry, just because you're my next door neighbor doesn't give you the right to ask me how my day is going. Sod off!

   Single women, you know that dress you're thinking of wearing tonight? The really tight, short one? Throw it out.

   I just found out my cleaning woman was shot by her nephew. And I have no idea where she hides the mop.