Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sweet dreams are made of cheese... Who am I to disagree?.. I've travelled the world and ate 7 peas... Everybody's lookin fo Dunkin...

   Hurricane Survival Pro Tip #2: If your neighbor is a jerk, point your patio umbrella at their windows. See what happens in 80mph winds......

   Hurricane preparedness tip: 1. Buy several kegs of beer 2. Drink beer 3. Wait for flooding 4. Drop kegs in water 5. Float to safety....

   PS Don't light every scented candle you own if the power go's out. You'll have a Yankee Candle store-grade headache....

   It's pretty scary that before facebook... All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.

   The average tourist wants to go to places where there are no tourists

   “I'm an adult! I can do whatever the hell I want.” No, not you married people. Sit back down. You're just being silly now.

   I am about to get some action guys. The only thing she is wearing right now is her hair, her heels and oh wait wtf and a tampon?!?

   It's a a romantic hotel hideaway. Until someone has to poo.

   The only thing that I do well during sex is provide disappointment.

   Marriage and childhood are very similar. You rush to do the chores you were suppose to do 20 minutes before a certain somebody comes home.

   The average annual income of a U.S. prostitute is $290,000. Seems the only time getting screwed pays is when you are a hooker.

   Crotchless panties because how else would we grip our broomstick?

   When will companies understand their packaging is being opened by human beings not robots?

   If you don't like something shoot it; if you can't shoot it, think about it while you're shooting something else.

   My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like "It wasn't that hard"

   In case anyone asks, we found these dead hookers while we were digging holes in the woods.

   If she's dead on the inside does it still count as necrophilia?

   Don't ask me stupid questions and I won't hurt your stupid feelings.

   Bite marks and bruises, or it didn't happen...