Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sometimes you have to drop a baby to establish dominance.

   When I die, I want to be cremated and put inside an Etch-a-Sketch

   This pill bottle says 'Take with plenty of fluids' and 'Don't take with alcohol'. That doesn't even make sense

   I could stand to lose a few pounds, so I'm cutting out my oversized heart. It has done me no favors anyway.

   Put my thing down, flipped it and reversed it. Now its inside out. Send help.

   It's normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The shaker, ice and Rumple combination is the most common

   You haven't Tweeted in a few days, what's up? @lancearmstrong

   Looks like cold weather has returned. Guess I'll let me back hair grow out for winter...

   not quite feeling myself today. I'm going to see if booze helps...

   Dear Taliban, When you shoot a kid in the head for wanting an education and she doesn't die, how can you be sure that God is on your side?

   Hmmm, I think I'm going to hand out bottles of 5 hour energy instead of candy this year.

   Mary had a little Lamb. Now she doesn't. Eid Mubarak

   Have you ever been with a girl when you couldn't get it up and once you finally did, you finished in like 30 seconds? Um…me neither…

   I wonder where rich Swiss people hide their money...

   if you call yourself "world renowned", guess what? You aren't...

   Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.

   When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life.

   They need to make a commercial for the lottery that's all about a guy using the money for revenge.

   Due to the sensitivity of some people on Faceboo, here is a list of uncomfortable subjects will not joke about:................................................................................................................................ Still here?

   Useing the bathroom in Taco Bell, an the guy in the stall next to me has some bad diarrhea, stank'in up the place...I almost couldn't eat my last super burrito!