Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Most people need a reason to drink, I need a reason not to drink.

   Three things you never have to ask me: Do you want a hit? Do you want a drink? Do you want cheese on that?

   Everyone always said that nothing about me would ever amount to much. I wish they could see my bar tab now.

   amazing that anyone under 30 thinks foreign policy has to do with how well you play Call of Duty

   missed my bed....and by missed I mean turning the lights off jump on my bed and landing on the floor

   Saw a bar of gold running down the street ,so shouted after it................AU

   I have a blind date and I keep having people tell me to just be myself. Are you kidding me? Have you read my FB post?

   Cardinal Baseball song of the night: " I left my ̶̶H̶̶e̶̶a̶̶r̶̶t̶̶ Ass in San Francisco"

   Hey ladies, tired of your boyfriend complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.

   If me and you are ever in an argument and it becomes obvious that I am clearly wrong.... plz don't gloat.... just ask the guy with the eye patch!

   anyone celebrating anything today? Anything at all... doesn't matter what. I just need something to drink to.

   My doctor gave me a prescription for anti-depression meds but my Bartender is having a hard time reading his writing...

   'Put that down you fat piece of sh*t' - the title of the dieting book I'm writing.

   Why do people say ''I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?

   You wouldn't believe how long it took me to post this from my new Progresso phone can!

   I printed your status on toilet paper so I can wipe my ass with it.

   Dear, Android. Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones... You piece of Shut.

   I tell ya what, I bought a toilet brush a couple weeks back, and I'll never go back to paper.

   But Mom! The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too!

   I'll push your face into the shower wall as romantic as possible.