Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If one drop of semen contains more life than a drop of blood, why don't vampires s*ck co*k? Oh wait, Twilight.

   I've never been in love... But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.... :D

   Turn the time release off on my morphine drip so I know your love is real.

   I can bench press three times my body weight in dead hooker.

   Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead, and then I remember I'm thinking about you.

   I think one of my socks is pregnant :/

   The two greatest feelings in the world are the birth of a child and peace of mind of not having any kids.

   finally as many Tour De France titles has Lance Armstrong!

   I have a really sexy body and you can have your way with it if you help me bury it afterwards.

   I heard Amish black dudes have the biggest beards.

   I really miss childhood. You know, sometimes I pee on my bed just to remember what it's like.

   I consider myself a hopeless romantic because I only fall in love with women who are out of my league.

   The way I bend the rules should qualify as yoga.

   At the end of each day I ask myself, "Where's my damn Oscar for that?"

   Co-worker keeps asking me what's wrong so I told her I'm irritated because some idiot won't quit asking me what's wrong.

   Just accepted a job offer while taking a poop. Congratulations, you hired one hell of a multi tasker.

   If you attack me you better kill me......because I've never been in a fight and will probably sue.

   I may forgive, but rarely forget. Ok, sometimes the details get hazy but otherwise I'm like a skinny elephant with some serious suspicions.

   A girl picking up the phone in the middle of sex is a free pass to get weird.

   Well, it's time to start being mean to all the kids in the neighborhood again. I usually net a years supply of toilet paper on Halloween night.