Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don't give advice because screwing up my own life requires my undivided attention

   Today,,,, I feel like I need the vulgarity expansion pack for autocorrect

   My outgoing message: Hi,, I'm gonna be honest, I screen people I don't want to talk to,,, You can leave a message, but if you heard this,,,,,It's you

   Hey guys, just to let you all know I'll be closing my facebook account in three days... But in four days I'll be explaining why I didn't leave

   People who text back instantly. Keep it up, I like that shi t.

   MY Fantasy Football thing is about the Cheerleaders.

   Three reasons I'm not a biker. 1) I have teeth. 2) I shower. 3) See reasons 1 & 2.

   Feelin tired today,,, I was up All night,,, See,I got into this book,, and couldn't put it down,,, Yeah,, Ended up goin thru ALL my crayons...

   I amNOT a ride OR die chick. I have questions. Like where are we riding to? And why I gotta die? Cant I just be your stay at home and take care of the kids chick?

   Here comes Jigga Boo Boo proudly presented by BET the Ghetto TV Network.... Now THAT'S just wrong!!.

   Age is just a number… yeah, and jail is just a room.

   I have no idea what anyone means when they describe the weather as 'crisp'. If you're going to use the word 'crisp', you really should be talking about bacon.

   My neighbor came knocking at my door at 2:30 this morning...can you believe that, 2:30 A.M. mad me so mad,,lucky for him I was still up playing my drums!!!

   You know how to make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!!

   Old Yeller's a book? All this time I thought it was my brother tooth...

   She hit the brakes and I hit her, and this beautiful blond gets out and says "Ram me in the a$$ why don't you"! And here your honor is were it gets confusing

   You know your getting fat when you go to unbotton your pants...and it already done

   I need to wash this beer down with another beer

   Glad Facebook knocks me off for "Routine Maintenance"... said by no-one, ever!!

   Hey bartender! I spilt my beer in my mouth, can I get another??