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I can tell how uncomfortable a person is just by hugging them for 18 minutes 
Damn! It's finally beer thirty! See you f uckers Monday!!
at my age, my pecker is starting to look like a baby buzzard hanging out his nest
"How fortunate for governments that the people they administer do not think" - Adolf Hitler
I made this diet where I had to abstain from fast food and alcohol. After only 2 weeks I've lost 14 days.
Before I got married I had six theories about parenting. Now I have six kids and no theory.
When a politician says, we're all sitting in the same boat, it means he wants to play captain and we shall rowe.
"If you take a look at all the previous US Presidents, what could I do worse" - Frank Zappa
Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes how amazing you're life is
when you're in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think "they're killing my family, and I'll have to fight the attacker naked.."
Katy Perry: Blue hair. Nicki Minaj: Pink hair. Rihanna: Red hair. Lady Gaga: Green hair. OMG, the POWER RANGERS are back
9.LIKE if you think Jerry Springer should moderate the next debate
Adulthood is just piles of bills and trying to convince your exes how amazing you're life is.
■Girls wait for the perfect guy: Disney's fault. Guys wait for the perfect girl: Playboy's fault.
Whenever I stand in front of the mirror looking at my naked body,, I get depressed and think… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
The creator of Mad Libs died... His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.
Its sad that while half the world is starving, the other half is stuffing itself obesse like its getting read for hibernation. You should be ashamed of yourselves you fat asses out there.
You just join FB 10 minutes ago and I'm the first person you send a friend request to when I don't even know you. STALKER ALERT NOW ON!
What do you mean I've had enough to drink?!! Hold my beer while I fight this lamppost.
Quick, have sex with me, I'll explain later.
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