Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dear Tequila, Why do you make me so angry and so horny all at once?

   Light beer is for pregnant women and p ussies!

   "How To Win Friends And Influence People On Facebook" Post pictures of dogs and cats.

   Scratch a cynic and you'll find a disappointed romantic.

   I would rather lose you than lose myself.

   If you call yourself hot, you're not

   Nothing shows over-familiarity like leaving just your socks on.

   I am never more aware that I don't have boobs than when I'm paying for my own drink.

   That "speaking to another human being" feature on my phone has got to be my least favorite feature.

   I'm Homy... I bet 99% of you pervs misread that.

   A prostitute just told me she would do anything for $10... guess who just got their car washed!

   Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in

   Never ask for directions from a starfish.

   One day when someone rings my doorbell I'm gonna stand by the window with a straight face and just stare at them to see what they would do

   I always thought saying "What crawled up your butt and died" was funny... until the day I met a man with a story about a weasel.

   Sometimes I think I should take the bus instead of drive because there aren't usually 11 hot Mexican chicks in my car... not usually

   There's "hell" in hello and there's "good" in goodbye... I don't know what that means... but think about it.

   The magic of Facebook... you can poke each other all day long... and no one has to lay in the wet spot.

   Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.

   The Dentist is the only certified man who can say to a woman: "Lay down... relax... open your mouth... say ahh... and spit."