Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I remember one time when I was high... I asked a cat if it could talk. It replied Me? How?

   She removed her jeans threw it to me and said ``Make me feel like a woman``... and I removed my trouser threw it 2 her and said ``wash them both...

   The silence that occurs when I'm waiting for my little sister outside the playground, and a mother asks me "What child?" and I answer, "I have not decided yet ..."

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that sh!t.

   until Obama or Romney can name every flavor of ramen noodles I dont wanna hear s h!t about how they can relate to me and the struggle.

   My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.

   Apparently the person in the next stall doesn't want their feet tickled.

   She : "Are you asleep?" Me: "No, I'm just looking at my eyelids."

   My ex-wife is living proof of how stupid I can be.

   Apparently, vodka is not a relationship, it's a beverage... (sigh)

   Jenna Marbles needs to STFU already and do porn

   Remember the theme song from the Adams family?.. trust me, you will all day ;) dabba-da-bump *snap*snap

   When Eminem, wrote Recovery, obviously he wanted to Recover. Akon wrote Freedom, because he wanted freedom. And Justin Bieber wrote boyfriend, hhmmmm......

   I rate that sharks circle before attacking because humans taste better without sh*t in them.

   Its Friday, Anything worth doing is worth doing weird.

   Who do I speak to about quitting adulthood?

   You know what I'd really like from a woman? Consent.

   I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.

   I'm not stalking you. I'm protecting you.

   Men resolve a fight with a fist fight. Women resolve a fight with years of backstabbing, name calling, rumor spreading & social exclusion.