Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   No one honked at me ever since I put a bumper sticker on the back of my car that says "Honk if you're a piece of shi t".

   Nice try, fat girls ordering a salad on the first date. Nice try.

   I hate getting out of the shower only to discover I have no real friends.

   There is no way in hell anyone could ever convince me that men with ponytails own a mirror.

   "I am ugly" - girls who want you to tell them they are pretty.

   People who call you after you text them are the worst human beings since like Hitler.

   Syria has been bombing Turkey for a few days now. "We're probably next!" a frightened chicken cries.

   Hey guys who write updates about how all girls are beautiful and should be respected, did you figure it out on your own or did your boyfriend tell you??

   I wish judging other people burned calories!

   People: you've changed. Me- Well I couldn't stay a sperm forever.

   i have a neighbor whos dog doesnt eat peanut butter anymore.. just saying.

   There's no premature ejaculation, the truth is that women arrive late everywhere!

   All these facebook game requests and not one from a hot chick for N@ked Twister.

   Another 46,000 Americans filed for unemployment last week but from what I gather unless they're name is Big Bird, or their named in a binder no one cares....?

   I'm in a serious relationship w/ my bed. Although sometimes I cheat w/ couch. It's usually a one night stand & it means nothing.

   Honey I Shrunk The Kids And The Dog Has Worms So I Put The Kids In His Bum And Gave Them Knives To Go Worm Hunting

   If you can find the trash can in my kitchen without asking, I just assume you're a wizard.

   Tonight I'm going to have my favorite drink. It's called "a lot."

   Lets just say fashion doesn't understand me.

   Girls pick jerks over nice guys the same way guys pick sluts over cool girls.. we are all idiots.