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All year I try to give candy to children and the parents start yelling "don't take candy from strangers!"Then Halloween comes around and you send the brats to my front door. Well I'm keeping my candy this time! 
I never, ever pay attention to who unfriends me. But god does.
I Just saw a tumbleweed roll past my last post
The Wife just asked if she looked ok in her new pants.. She did... But I paused to long,,,,,,,,,,,,,Please send an ambulance…
"tums" needs to change their product name....some ppl are dyslexic with heart burn & easy offended by reading SMUT on the bottles
i'm not saying i'm batman but answer me this have you ever seen me and batman in the same room?
Homeless people have been known to step outside the box.
All that Felix proved Sunday was that Redbull does not give you wings... You must use a parachute
Bands who can't afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert
When I'm at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a wife
If I rule the world first thing I'll do is add a extra day into the weekend right after Saturday.. It will be called Matterday... It won't matter what you do that day
There are some real hearts that get broken by imaginary people and empty promises...so think before you blow that sunshine.
That's the third time I've showered with socks on....
Where do I find these Binders full of women..............
Legend has it the "M" in MTV once stood for music.
TLC is getting so lazy with show titles... btw "My giant face tumor" is on tonight.
Little kids and the elderly's underwear should come in only brown.
I really want to attract a lot of girls this halloween. So I'm dressing up as a Nutella jar.
There is a 100% chance I will never be depressed again if I could get myself a pet Panda.
it like illegal to make a movie scene where the people runaway from a bomb when there's more than 30 seconds left for the explosion?
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