Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Make me sleep on the couch so I know our love is real.

   I have Attention Deficit Disorder. I get distracted easily becau

   Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike

   Computer technology used to be a lot tougher. Back when I was a teenager, mice had balls.

   The best part of having a banana instead of a cell phone is no one on this plane can actually make me turn it off or stop talking into it.

   I hate it when women dress up on Halloween. It just reminds me of the times I wake up next to one of them after a good night out

   Dear Religion, This week I safely dropped a man from space while you shot a child in the head for wanting to go to school. Your pal, Science.

   Now that Fall is here, do you think all the teenage girls with duck-faces will fly South for the winter?

   I organized an office party at work today. It was a great laugh, until my boss unexpectedly walked in.

   I should do my own TV series........... Man vs Drink

   I'm beginning to think these 'bored housewives' I'm seeing in pop-up ads are lying. I've had several come to my house and not one of them would cook.

   Men and women react to pain in different ways. If a man is hurt he'll try hard to conceal it from his friends, and look to his woman for sympathy. If a woman is hurt she'll suffer in silence, and tell everyone.

   Picking up a tiny piece of paper off the carpet would probably only take me one second... But for some reason I'd rather vacuum over it 100 times, at different angles...

   My new girlfriend is a cagefighter. They all are, for the first day or two.

   Fun activity of the day, making DJ scraching sounds with my hoodie zipper!

   Does anyone know the recipe for 'I DON'T KNOW' because everybody in the house keeps telling me that when I ask them what they all want for dinner.....

   Ironically it's the things people don't say that tell you everything you need to know.

   These debates are cool, but I think Romney and Obama should just skip the last debate and do an episode of "Wife Swap" instead...

   Who's Kony's favorite rapper? Soulja Boy. Buh duh tsss.

   Me and BIG BIRD, going down to Sesame Street to see if we can buy the moderate a lie detector.