Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   If you're a guy and you hit girls with anything other than your d ick you deserve to die.

   Hey guys with a sexy accent. I have a v@gina that would like to speak to your tongue.

   I make PMS jokes around women all the time just to know what it feels like to live dangerously.

   What's that word to describe the aching sadness of missing someone you've never met? Oh yeah, INSANITY.

   The fat jokes may be funny, but remember, sometimes the fatties slim up and then the jokes on you.

   Before I fall in love I usually fall over the barstool.

   My biggest fear is being the guy that gets pushed out of the way when a criminal is running from a cop.

   Know what's sexy? Everyone…right after I finish my 5th beer.

   I once dated a woman in her 50s, guys, I can tell you, teeth are sometimes highly overrated.

   Just had a dude wink at me and I felt my clit try to crawl inside my v@gina

   If we're standing there kissing and my hands are in your pants, I'm what you'd call a sure thing.

   Holy shi t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?

   What bores me is repetition, i.e. when people repeat themselves. It's boring and repetitive. Boring. Like repetitive posts. They bore me.

   You would think these "self checkout" lanes at walmart would have a curtain or something....this is embarassing :-[

   Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 34, looking for some action!", so I sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.

   If sober me won't do it...drunk me will.

   I am so lazy that I don't even run in Grand theft auto

   Occasionally, I like to go to walmart, buy a jar of Vaseline, a cucumber and a Bottle of Gin and wink at the cashier

   When the car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a bit so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic.

   The doctor said I may have a strained abdominal muscle which is cool because that means I have an abdominal muscle