Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Dear fucktards at baseball games in football team gear. It doesn't count; you look like you're lost…

   nothing screams sellout more than being an adult in Taylor Swift's band...

   Breaking News: 36% of Witches are indicating it is cold out.....

   There are two types of people I can't stand: Nosy people, then there's those that won't tell me what the hell is going on !

   Ladies: If you're wearing 6-inch heels and can bend down and touch the floor without falling over, you're good to go for another drink.

   You ever fart so loud that your ex-girlfriend calls you to see how you're doing?

   Whenever I see someone crossing the street, I swear I can hear them say 'You don't have the balls to floor it.'

   Sorry I'm late, boss. I had vodka for dinner.

   I bet bunnies would be super-stoked if we introduced them to salad dressing.

   This guy behind me in the security line is looking at me like that fart was mine for sure

   Joe Biden's teeth are so white , they'll probably vote for Romney .

   any shirt can be a dress when your dad doesn't love you.

   If she hears a noise in the middle of the night, you get up and check that shi t like a man if you want your balls sucked instead of punched.

   I love pissing off a few hundred people before I go to bed. Waking up to a phone full of hate is the best way to start the day. <3

   My friend handed out wedding invitations at her baby shower, like the classless knocked up slut she is.

   My girlfriend will never be able to satisfy my needs because what I need is a new girlfriend.

   My wife just left the room to go fart. Thirteen years together and we're still not there yet.

   At any given moment there's at least 7 to 13 ninja's in your house.

   Coworker invited me to lunch which is hilarious because I've never had a job in my life.

   I just watched a dude squeeze a lime into his beer, but I'm afraid if I say anything he'll hit me with his purse.