Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Maybe one side of the V-shape is longer than the other because geese have retards too in their flock.

   Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.

   Love sucks. True love swallows.

   Someone needs to remind men in their 40s that tucking the T-shirt into their jeans does not make them look any younger.

   Apparently my back just started puberty. So I got that going on.

   When I go to the grocery store I pretend like I'm putting together a jigsaw puzzle of what I would like the inside of my fridge to look like

   I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.

   We are all just exchanging witty dialogue in the hopes of exchanging bodily fluids.

   Going to the mall this weekend and trying on extra small shirts so I can remember what it feels like to be hugged

   I won't tell you how long I believed girls peed out of their butts, but it was well past the age where it was considered normal.

   I just told a man his breath smells like coffee beans that were dipped in shi t. He's pissed but said he'll be back with my speeding ticket.

   Speed walkers look like they're constantly auditioning for a diarrhea commercial

   While you're busy staring at your phone flirting, your bored and neglected spouse is probably out doing someone else for real.

   Getting married has nothing to do with the wedding.

   Since nobody will admit to it, my son is the only proof that I've actually had sex.

   When I was young I was scared of the dark. Now when I see my electricity bill I am scared of the lights.

   Just one typo and, the next thing you know, you're depending upon the kindness of stranglers.

   I woke up moody, fat and depressed and thought have I turned into a woman?? Then I realized I'm just a little hungover and need some coffee. Whew!!

   Looking back on my time taking flight lessons,, I realize why I could never be a pilot. Not because I'm afraid to fly or couldn't handle instructions from the tower,,, but because I kept making machine gun noises at EVERYTHING I saw.

   I Just saw a dude with a pic of his truck airbrushed on the tailgate of his truck... The awesomeness of it,, melted my face and got my wife pregnant.