Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   “Don't worry boss, I'll make you look like a genius!!” Joe Biden

   I Just backed into a Jaguar, but I left him a note on my bank statement,, so he knows not to bother calling

   Killed a spider without screaming so I'm pretty sure I'm about to get elected as the next Secretary of Defense.

   When you hear "that's illegal in 49 states," the other state is always Kentucky.

   Calories are tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew your clothes a little tighter every night.

   Buses are just limos for poor people.

   Given that he's a wrestler, do you think Hulk Hogan was "REALLY" having sex on that tape?

   If girls were dinosaurs they'd be dramasaurus.

   Fellaz; Stop whining about being friend zoned. I'm sure it's an upgrade from the usual “Never in a million year”, “Not if you were the last man on earth” or “leave me the hell alone”. At least you are not in the dead zone.

   My wife only drinks so she can tolerate me when I'm drunk.

   If you don't grab the opportunity by the ass someone else will.

   Voting for president is getting to the point where it's simply which guy would you rather watch dump all your money into a toilet and flush.

   I named my truck Karma, so if I ever run someone over I can say: Yeah…it was Karma.

   If you were mine, your next boyfriend would thank me for straightening your clueless and inexperienced ass out.

   Most relationships can survive a lot, but not shopping together for a new couch.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back knocking on your door with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

   16 and pregnant? Where were all these slutty girls when I was 18?

   I hate to imagine the drinks served at a party in your pants.

   It's not a real party unless someone gets a d ick drawn on their face.

   There's a spider in my panic room. Ironic little thing.