Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   This girl just rolled her eyes so hard at me she opened a trans-dimensional vortex.

   If my girlfriend ever suggests we start seeing other people, I'll be doing someone else before she can find her car keys.

   I just want a man who knows the difference between… Its/It's… Your/You're… Two/To/Too… Their/There/They're… and eats my pu$$y like a pro.

   If you play your cards right, she'll want you to poker.

   Marriage is less about biting your partner's lip and more about biting your own.

   I like kids, only because they remind me to buy more condoms.

   How come only women get Fibromyalgia? Is it a make believe condition like PMS??

   My sweet dance moves bring all the boys to the yard and they're all, "Somebody call 911! This b itch is having a seizure!" :(

   I support g@y marriage simply because the divorce hearings will be epic!!!

   If you never felt up a passed out girl, your college experience scuked…

   When I get a headache, I take 2 aspirin, and keep away from children, just like the bottle says.

   The more I stalk my new neighbor, the better I feel I know her.

   Guys and their smartphones have it made now. Back In the day the only way we could prove we got some was to let our friends smell our finger!!

   I hate when your p issing at someone's house and your p iss comes out in 2 streams: one in the toilet and one on the seat...

   My lawyer friend prefers to be called an attorney...but I still prefer douchebag!

   Instead of driving a smart car, you should probably go to driving class.

   remember folks...gravy is NOT a beverage!!

   Stalking is such a negative word...I like to consider myself as a "distant admirer"

   The Internet is a lot like ancient Egypt, people writing on walls and worshipping cats

   Holding my phone while in the tub is similar to holding a loved one over a cliff.