Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   After all these years, my armpits have not moved, yet I still use a mirror to put on deodorant.

   I'm at my worst and most vulnerable when someone else is holding my phone.

   Anybody wanna go halfsies on a prostitute?

   Parents stop excusing your children's bad behavior! If you don't hold them accountable for their words and actions you're creating a$$holes of tomorrow.

   Idiots are God's leftovers.

   Baby, if you are reading this. Can you please bring me a beer?

   Scientists have developed a new drug for henpecked men. It's called Growacet…

   Look, we can't all be part of the problem. Get your own thing.

   I will never ever take my Black ass cave exploring. I watched The Descent.

   I love being a father. Children start off as little bundles of joy and eventually grown up to be great at getting you a beer.

   Starbuck really isn't that expensive, compared to what Victoria Secret charges per cup.

   I really thought my business as a professional cat fight promoter would've taken off by now. Maybe I should use women instead of actual cats…

   My morning run was so cold my ballsack now looks like my wife's cameltoe…

   OMG. I wish Bruno Mars would go ahead and catch that gernade or take that bullet to the brain already. I am so sick of that song!!

   I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy's it would take to levitate?

   Just checked my Farmville for the first time in a year. It's now a Walmart.

   I was thinking earlier, thats all, just wanted everyone to know that it does happen from time to time........

   watches Sunday football with you all day... Wife that girl.

   This recurring dream where my FB account gets deleted and I cease to exist.

   Sometimes I laugh so hard that tears run down my leg!