Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Silence is always better than a crappy joke.

   I wonder if Captain Obvious will ever be promoted to Major Duh..

   If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie, we are all screwed.

   If at first you don't succeed, reward yourself with a bottle of Jack Daniels and a cake.

   After watching this horror movie, I have realised my a$$hole indeed does have a heartbeat.

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.

   Heard a song by Stevie Wonder on the radio. My wife said "I'd like to see Stevie". I replied "He would, too."

   "Yes, black guys. We feel you." - fat white girls

   Whenever I see someone driving a Kia, I give them lots of room as I can tell they make poor decisions…

   The Mich St/Indiana winner gets “The old brass spittoon”. I'm pretty sure Indiana lost on purpose…

   Cats do not make good pets. If you die, your cat will eat you…

   Does anybody else automatically say "Ow!" out of habit, whenever something they are holding bumps something else?

   love is like lottery numbers....gotta keep finding the crappy ones before you get the good ones

   I must be a good driver. Some scraggly looking guy on the side of the road just gave me a thumbs up!

   Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean

   What's the strongest Bird in the world? A Crane

   What Birds always stick together? Velcrows

   You know what's cheaper than reading a book on a Kindle?......Reading a book.

   Well,, It's like this,,,,, My car makes this funny noise whenever I run over a clown...

   Sorry I Liked your dog dying.... But, they don't really give us any other buttons.