Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Your knees are too clean for you to be a good girlfriend.

   I hope Taylor Swift gets her period soon and starts writing songs everyone over 9 will like…

   My wife said no sex tonight. End of discussion. Period.

   I hate those idiots with those bright halogen lights that are blinding, at least they can see my one finger salute

   No one cares about your gas prices but you, California; you aren't a swing state…

   • The first time, it's an accident... But the next time someone throws an egg McMuffin out the window and hits my car on the highway, I'm going to put them in the wall.

   n't it ironic that crocodiles like water and people who wear Crocs are douchbags. Ok, maybe I don't know what ironic means.

   Every day is a struggle to come to terms with the fact that they chose Tobey Maguire to play Spiderman.

   The first rule of Women's Fight Club is: We will stew about it for days then scream at you about it and never let you forget it, A$$hole.

   When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary. Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shi t.

   BABY MAMA has replaced the word "WIFE"

   This episode was brought to you by an overreaction, the crazy voices in her head, and a special guest appearance from PMS.

   I turn every sexual experience into a love try angle.

   I don't know why any sensible guy would even want a skinny chick. Clearly they're no good at making sandwiches.

   I'm not the grammar police, but I never realized just how stupid some of my friends are until FB...

   I sure am hungry. I wonder if Chili's has an app for that??

   Unless life also hands you water and sugar, that lemonade is gonna suck.

   Do I hate people who ask and answer their own stupid questions? Absolutely

   I don't claim to know what happens inside the dishwasher, but I'm guessing that it's like the first 15 minutes of Saving Private Ryan.

   “You're not going to find a wife with your shirt untucked!” - An excerpt from my forthcoming book, ‘Think Like A Mom'