Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   They say 1in every 3 people cheat in a relationship. I'm not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.

   Holding a baby is a great excuse to just openly pass gas without anyone knowing.

   Oops…last night this questionable girl asked me to go down on her but her offer seemed a little fishy…

   Keep her wet between her thighs, To keep her dry beneath her eyes

   Whenever I hear women whine about wanting men who cuddle, listen, call them sweet names, and help clean around the house, I think there's a name for that. Lesbians.

   If you don't feel the love on Facebook then you're stalking the wrong people.

   Everytime a girl tells me she doesn't feel good I squeeze her boob and call her a liar.

   My wife's safe word: "Not-tonight-honey"

   Has anyone seen my shake weight?

   I hate self-serving, self-absorbed people who talk constantly about their own troubles but never ask about yours.

   Karma is like 69: You get, what you give.

   Why do actors think we care who the they are going to vote for. Make movies and shut up!

   C'mon babe, just let me put the tip in once or five hundred and sixty seven times! There. Fixed it.

   You know you're married to a goddamn redneck when you're making chicken gizzards and hog jowl for supper.

   If you look up Shizzle in the dictionary you'll find a picture of me pondering what kind of an idiot would look up Shizzle in a dictionary.

   I just got a blood transfusion from an Asian and Geico called me to revoke my car insurance.

   Baby, I will give you complete attention and totally listen to you about your day, as long as you're completely naked.

   I hide my vodka in orange juice

   If you're a Russian guy, I'm just going to refer to you as Ivan. Or Victor. Don't bother telling me what your name really is, I don't care.

   This bottle of wine mixed with Adele blasting through my headphones probably means I'll be crying on the bathroom floor sooner than later.