Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I want a woman who can cook, clean, do the laundry, pay the bills & still set aside the time to have sex with me while her husbands at work

   Death isn't really a penalty when you're already serving a wife sentence…

   In Honor Of Tonight's Debate, I Will Be Making "Obama Rolls".... They Consist Of A lot Of Hot Air, And Full Of Sh*t!

   So Chris Brown smoked a little pot. If blunts are the only thing he's hitting, that sounds like progress to me.

   A doctor's 5 minutes is longer than a woman's 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she'll back in be 5 minutes…you're screwed.

   I'm kinda tired of the same 7 jokes and all their 12,000 variations on my timeline.

   Rome wasn't built in a day but they could have built at least three of them in a women's five minutes.

   I don't understand why it's called a Chastity Belt. Everyone I know named Chastity is a stripper.

   My girlfriend says I shouldn't plan things so far in advance. Well, she's not my girlfriend yet.

   My poker face is when I'm standing in the express lane with 16 items.

   I'll stand at the front door until she finally asks, “Are you coming inside?” It never gets old.

   By the time most women are comfortable with their bodies, I'm not.

   A bee just flew into my car so I had to abandon it on the highway and now I'm walking home.

   Trying to figure out who's a better actor, Paul Walker or this ham and cheese sandwich I just made.

   Rihanna isn't the prettiest girl around but I'd hit it...

   I gotta stop living every day like it could be my last. The hangovers are killing me...

   Did you guys hear about the new "Exorcist" movie? A woman hires the Devil to pull a priest out of her son. BADA BING BADA BOOM

   September 24th was National Punctuation Day did you know this I didn't hear anything about it do we really need a day set aside for this

   You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that s hit to yourselves or be more descriptive.

   What a beautiful world it would be if only boobs were the answer to all the world's problems.