Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Playing with my hair will get you anything you want.

   If love is a battlefield, and love is also blind, it makes sense why the outcome is always a huge disaster.

   Sorry, but I have to sleep with a girl before I can think of having a relationship with her. Because if she snores, forget it

   Sometimes you can look deep into someone's eyes and you can tell they want you…to stop holding them underwater.

   The first rule of Marriage Club is there will be a million new rules once you join Marriage Club.

   Don't like tipping bathroom attendants for merely handing me a towel. Maybe if he performed a service like wiping my ass I'd consider it.

   Fat lady hops on an exercycle next to me, she says, "I'm here to lose weight." Me: "And you waited 'til the last min, didn't you?"

   You can't believe anything a woman says when she's in the trunk of your car.

   Love is.......having sex with someone when you're sober.

   I like to start my flirtatious conversations with, "Hey, hey HEY! I see a restraining order in your future!"

   Caught an ugly couple kissing at Starbucks. So I interrupted & said, 'You're not planning on having kids, are ya? think ahead'

   The only part I believed in the movie Titanic was when she wouldn't move her fat ass over and let Jack on the raft with her.

   P0rn always downloads too slowly when you really need it the most.

   Whenever I read: "do not exceed recommended dose" I always think, "they don't mean ME."

   My life is everything I don't tell you.

   What the hell is a Honey Boo Boo? And can it get me high?

   Your kid can't walk? Let's have a 5k, that'll make them feel better...

   I'm still kinda pi'ssed that they never did tell us how to get to sesame street

   Why does the DB at work with the least experience always think he has all the answers??

   if you're too lazy to get a photo ID maybe you shouldn't be voting anyway...