Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   FACT: Friendships with coworkers are based on a mutual hatred for your jobs

   [ ] Democratic party [ ] Republican party [x] Pizza party

   Justin Bieber puked on stage. It was the best thing to ever come out of his mouth in a concert.

   Made a voodoo doll of myself and sucked its d!ck. Now I wait.....

   I saw a sign advertising KFC that said, "There's only one chicken worth eating." So I rushed to KFC and ordered chicken. Just my luck, somebody had already gotten the one worth eating.

   I bet even Tony Romo's throw pillows end up on the wrong couch.

   Old girlfriend sent me a text saying "I miss you" so I replied "We're sorry, but the subscriber you are trying to reach does not care"

   Teacher: Come on! You learned this in 3rd grade! Me: I don't even remember what I ate for breakfast...

   Taylor swift waved at a boy yesterday and he didn't wave back... So she will have a new album coming out tomorrow.

   YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I'm watching how to make ice cream.

   walking down the street with my wife earlier when she accused me of being ashamed to be seen with her. "That's total bollocks" I replied. By text, from across the road.

   Currently building a rocket ship for the next girlfriend that tells me she needs some space.

   I'll let you hold my son before I ever let you hold my beer. Which is probably a good idea since I'll be too drunk to do it myself.

   The way dogs get excited when you throw a tennis ball is the way I feel about my first cup of coffee for the day.

   When Australians count sheep it's similar to normal people counting how many people you've had sex with.

   Real men should never say, "hehehe", it's "hahaha" or you shut up!

   If I was a spider, I'd build my webs on a starving African child's face. Hello, all-u-can-eat fly buffet!

   It hurts when you touch it, I think you should lick it instead.

   Truthful Tuesday: I used to be "that b itch from accounting".

   I only phone my boss from the toilet because thats the only place where he makes any sense.